Lauren: Mom is a tool and bought Costco mashed potatoes for my vegetarian thanksgiving
Me: Tool for sure, but that’s what you get for doing the re-rack.
Laur: And I’m 25 and living at home
Me: Have you sexiled the rents yet?
Laur: No soccer sock on the door. Double dare?
Me: Just what our family needs… family double dares.
Mere: Cousin Kaitlin is bringing her bf to thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Names dad is going to call him within the first hour before shit hits the fan… go.
Mere: Whistle dick
Me: Mom… I am afraid that the next time you mention love, marriage, or our old baby crib in the attic, you will be forced to put one dollar into the jar for our Vegas fund. Then when we go to take the money, please kindly remind us that you should hang on to it so you can use it to bail us out of jail.
Lauren: I told dad that 25 is my prime and I am ready to find love… he said “shut up”
Me: So, you’re going on the Bachelorette for the right reasons?
Laur: Know anyone?
Me: I think the guy dressed as a devil on Halloween just became a lawyer. Is that dad in the background doing that dumbass one foot in the air dance and singing, “If you don’t got no money take your broke ass home?”
Mom: I cleaned out your room, got rid of your childhood guitar and letterman’s jacket and then read your yearbook.
Me: I am not planning on dying over here, but thanks for casually telling me I am not allowed to move home when I come back from Asia after a year and a half of making no money.
Lauren: “Our fire alarm went off at 1am. I think my roommates are smoking pot”
Mere: So, for my 21st we are having family personal pitcher night at Fidels with margs and then shooting pool at the Leucadian.
So… I pretty much can’t wait to sit around the dinner table and play “I hate you because…”